ctgspeaks

Contemplation

2006-06-05T09:13:20Z

Hello my friends and family,
I hope this entry reaches you well wherever you are this summer. There is a lot to talk about so I'm going to get right to it. The title of this entry is call contemplation, and the reason for that is I have been doing a lot of that over the past couple of weeks because of a many number of reasons. The biggest one being the failure of my first student film and it's no one's fault but my own, and I have gotten over the fact that it is a flop and will never be the film it was supposed to be but it is thanks to my will, my friends and family and my wonderful actors that it came together like it did. I am grateful for you all but there is no denying that this film failed because of me and that fact brought me to this low that I had never experienced in my life. I have never before felt so useless and untalented as I did after I presented my peice in front of my peers and had it ripped to shreds in front of my peers. That night, I was at my lowest low I had ever been in my life.

I couldn't shake it even when I was surrounded by my LMU friends that I deerly love and we were about to go see a movie and have a nice evening when I realized I couldn't do it. I couldn't be there right then, I felt so bad. I had to go. I had to get away suddenly. I felt like dying. I have only felt like that once before in my life. I felt this pain in me that was ripping me apart inside. I felt meaningless. I wanted to end it. I walked away from the bridge where my friends were leaving them clueless to what I was doing and where I was heading. I walked 2 miles or probably more back to LMU where I walked around campus thinking and crying. I was planning to quit film. I wanted out of school right then and there. I believed that film was not for me. If I couldn't make a good film in school then how could I ever do it in the real world? I didn't wanna waste my time doing something I'm no good at I was ready to quit for good, and do something else. I was ready to throw in the towel on a dream I've had since I was 5 years old.

At that point, I was all cried out, and had circled the LMU bluffs several times. I was sitting at a bench it was about 2 am. It just so happened that, as I had been gifted with many times this year, there was a divine intervention that night that brought two people to me. One expected, and one unexpected. It just so happened that I ran into a man who I have been an acquaintance with since freshman year and although we never hung out because we ran with different people and have different lifestyles but we were always friendly to each other, and that man is CJ. CJ had already stood up for me one time that night when he praised my film when he didn't have to, and one more time that night he came up to me when I was at my lowest and he said some words of kindness that I would not have expected from some who wasn't my good friend. I have to say this here and now to CJ that I will always remember this and I hope we will be good friends so that I can pay off my debt one day. The other man was my cinematographer and good friend, Jim day. Jim, thank you for coming up and talking to me. You cared enough to see what was wrong and I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about it then. I should have. I hope we will continue our friendship and partnership for as long as we can. Thanks to both of these men, I was able to begin the healing process and come to turns with the reality of what had happen and to move on. Thanks to them, I was okay that night. I made it through safe but the healing turned out to be harder and longer than I have expected.

That's enough for tonight. More tomorrow.

i have a rear view mirror again.

2006-05-15T22:57:45Z

I have a rear view mirror again. It's so exciting. It got knocked off, so I glued it back on with super duper super glue. Loctite super glue to be precise!

goals

2006-05-06T08:05:34Z

Goals for summer '06:

Get into a regiment of gym 3 days a week for 3 hours each day.
Apply for internship and set up intership for fall semester.
Pay off credit card bills.
Summer Reading courtesy of tyler.

Goals for end of fall '06:

460 script written or documentary approved.
Crew locked for 460 if not shooting documentary.
Be in wrestling shape.
Shoot Joe's movie.

Dear Calvin

2006-05-06T07:20:33Z

Dear Calvin,

You need to make a decision on your life.

Sincerely,

Calvin.

United 93.

2006-04-29T11:58:06Z

Usually I don't do this but I'm gonna give ya a little heads up about a movie I just saw as it's fresh in my mind. The film is called United 93. Now I like, I'm sure most of you, was interested and excited in many ways to see this film for a number of different reasons. Now although I am about to bash this movie's head in, I still say see this movie and form your own opinion. Some of you will like it's portrayal and some of you will, like me, hate it. I will now go into my many reasons why this film was a piss-poor film that doesn't deserve your money and is therefore a poor remembrance for those americans who died on that day. It's a failure of a remembrance that will get lofty praise because of it's subject matter but it will become a memory in film history and a ghost and nothing more than that.

The big reasons that this film is a failure are that it is too slow, too shakey, emotionless, and finally its ending.

The film itself was an hour too long. There was too much time between when the film began and the story really takes off. I know that it was shot in real time but let me cut to the chase that for me and for most of the audience (I was so bored that I was looking at people's reactions in the theatre.) it did not work, and really lost it's audience at the start of the film. It kept you waiting for what you knew what was going to happen. Everyone with half a brain stem knows the events of those planes on 9/11. It was unnecessary to bring us through that whole build up. We should have been on the plane with the people, boom. We should have seen the towers get hit, boom. The take over of the plane, boom. The pentagon, Boom. The good byes, boom. And the take back of the plane, boom. It could have been an hour long and could have been a lot more meaningful.

The film ended up leaving me emotionless because even when it reached the point where we saw the real emotion of the passengers on that fateful flight it was too much and too fast. Also we had no real emotional investment in the passengers, there was no investment made except that they were americans in trouble and that's not enough in a film to feel attached. If I were from somewhere else I'd feel even less for these poor people caught in a bad situation. I was more emotionally attached to the hijackers because we actually learned shit about them at the start of the movie. We didn't learn anything about the passengers all we got from them was their long and emotional good byes. Most of those good byes were trite and powerless. All the "I love you. Good byes" that they had in there were not enough to make me really feel for them. As I said there was also just too much of it, it was like they were poking me with a stick trying to make me cry. Matter of fact, it was only in the solitary moments when the trade center were hit and when the people in the airtraffic controllers saw it hit from a first hand perspective etc that I felt that moment of sadness but those few moments were fleeting and the main reason it was fleeting was due to the cinematography.

Now this may sound like a cinematography lesson 101 here but if you're making a major motion picture or anything more than a half assed sophmore student film then you need to know the purpose of how you decide to shoot a scene. The reason for this is because the way one scene is shot differently from another can enlist so much more meaning, and emotion. This should sound like common sense to you and me, gentle reader but to the cinematographer and director of United 93 this is apparently greek to them, because this entire film was shot handheld. Now it does work in certain cases in this film but for the most part it just makes you sick to your stomach because it a fast moving and shaky camera that does not stop. It is sorta like being on a rollercoaster and if you're on a rollercoaster are you able to pay very much attention to what's going on around you? No because you are just feeling sick and trying not to throw up on your shoes. This film was shot in a shabby and piss-poor fashion because the filmmakers forgot that the germans invented the tripod. Some pundits would like to make you believe it works by quoting action movies where it worked but these pundits are forgetting one important point and that is that UNITED 93 is not an action movie. It should not have been shot like there was drunken monkey holding the camera, it should have been shot with care and grace and intelligence because that is what this film was about. But this camera work just makes you sick to your stomach and unable to focus on what's really going on on the screen. Again I looked around at the audience and many people could not bare to look at that shaky camera work just like I couldn't, hence me looking at the audience again! Is it true that shaky cam can put you in the moment and feel real emotion? Yes it is, but in this film it failed to do that completely. This film was shot like it was a video game or an action movie when it should have been shot more sophisticatedly. It single handedly ruined this film at the very start for me.

Lastly, What didn't work for me as well was the ending. It was a cheap and quick ending that left me empty inside more than the shoddy filmmaking.

Overall, The movie failed and will become a ghost in film history as I said because of it's poorly shot, poorly planned as far as the real time scenario bullshit that's best suited for discovery channel specials, and it did not give you any real reason to be emotionally attached to those in danger. It could have been great and powerful but it was boring, emotionless and cheap. It will get good reviews only because of what it is about and that's a shame because it is a second rate film and a poor remembrance of those people who so bravely lost their lives on that day to save others.

If you watch one 9/11 film this year, don't see this one!

Journey Screening Time Update

2006-04-28T17:32:05Z

I am screening my film for my class and peers at 9:45pm which means I will be closing out the night of 360 screenings.

I know that there are a lot of films that deserve that spot more than mine but I'm proud of my little movie, and proud of all the backbreaking work it took to put it together. There is no doubt that my film deserves that spot just as much as anyone else's because my film represents the triumph of inner strength of a film student who pulled this film out of it's downward spiral and made into something good, and I did it all by myself with no preproduction or post production help. So to all the naysayers, and doubters out there, I say you would have quit if you were in my position cause you don't know what struggling and surviving is. I will always be a force to be reckoned with because I don't back down and I don't quit. I kick ass and take names!

Anyways so much for that rant.

The Family and Friends Screening is in the afternoon on May 5th for those who cannot attend I'm sure I'll force it upon you someday and maybe you'll like it. I hope.

Alright that's all for now gang. I need to rest. Big Post Coming SOON.

End of the semester approaches. The Journey Train rolls into LMU TV Studio.

2006-04-27T17:03:10Z

Hello ladies and gentlemen,

Been a long time since a post has been seen from me and there's a big reason for that. The reason is my junior thesis film entitled Journey. This film has been my life for the last month. There has not been a moment where I have not been worrying about or working on my film lately but ever since screening my first final cut of it this week. It seems like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. There is no question that before screenings there is a long road ahead of me that ends with the screening on one of the grandest stages of them all on the Television Sound Stage. I still have sound left to do as well as to add my composed music in. I am looking forward to the finished product, and when it's up there in front of all my peers I'll know exactly how good or bad it really is. There's a lot of good films out there and I hope that mine measures up to the competition.

There is so much to talk about and so many things that I'm feeling right now but it's gonna have to wait for another post. I am really looking forward to May 5th because I am ready to be done with Junior year, and I feel like I am definitely having a lot of doubts about my career choice. I don't know if I want this more than wrestling so that's essential what the summer is going to be about getting into the wrestling world by getting myself in wrestling shape, and hopefully starting on a path that will make me ready for tryouts in '07. I will try both film and wrestling. Film right now is still a big part of my life. I still want to pursue film but my heart is just out of it right now. I don't really know what will bring it back in, hopefully summer will help and make my heart grow fond of it again.

That's all for now.

More to come.

Calvin Gibbon, 4/27/2006, A man torn on his dreams.

P.S. Happy Birthday to Tyler.

I Dare You Too!

2006-04-06T19:38:59Z

So I'm gearing up to finish production on my Junior thesis film project entitled Journey. The shoot dates are monday the 11th in the afternoon in front of Sacred Heart Chapel after 2pm, and then Tuesday all day. I need all the help I can get so if you haven't gotten a call from me yet then expect one, haha. Tonight begins the crew calls so that I can get people lined up.

In other news, I hopefully get a chance to see a friend I haven't seen in a while, and hang out this friday. Keep your fingers crossed on that.

Meanwhile, Wrestlemania XXII was awesome this past weekend. Probably the best WWE Pay Per View I've ever seen and I've seen a lot of them so that's saying something.

I'm really nervous and excited about this upcoming week since my film is going to be shot by this time next week and by tomorrow I will have been to telecine and gotten my footage back. There is no question that it is crunch time in the semester with only a few weeks left to it. The last weeks of being a junior are upon me. I can't explain how great and life affirming this semester has been for me. I'm definitely a survivor, but I couldn't have made it but through the strength of my will, and the love of my family, friends, crew, and others. There is no force on earth that can overcome us guys if we stay together, and I hope we do forever.

There's no doubt that in the next few weeks, I'll realize if I'm meant for this filmmaking stuff. The problem with being told how good you are is that you doubt it everyday.

I hope I find the strength I need to make this movie as great as it can and should be, and to finish up the year with the sense that I'm meant for this. I know I very well may not be, either way I'm finishing my time here. If it fails it's my fault.

Now my latest anthem:

Hello, let me introduce you to
The characters in the show
Some stay young, some grow old
Come alive, there are thoughts unclear
You can never hide.

Even in madness, I know you still believe
Paint me your canvas so I become
What you could never beee!

I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire!
Brand my soul and call me a liar!
I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire!
I dare you to tell me!
I dare you to!

Hello!
I dare you to tell me to walk through fire!
I dare you to tell me!
I dare you to!
I dare you to tell me!
I dare you toooo!

Wrestlemania XXII Weekend. Journey. Life. Entertainment. Excitement. Joy. Victory.

2006-04-02T00:39:07Z

Keep their heads ringin'.

I'm back with another update and only a week after the most emotional and physically exhausting week of my life. I survived. I don't care what trials my fellow college students have been going through. It does not match the trails that I have gone through. Not to toot my own horn but you couldn't walk ten feet in my shoes. I proved I am truly superhuman. If I wasn't then I would not have survived. Onto filming Journey:

After several, often times, disheartening setbacks this past weekend, I got half of my film Journey shot. The dailies look awesome. I'm really pleased with how everything came out. My crew was awesome. As I said to my mom, I would take my crew to the depths of hell to fight Satan himself. It's true, and we'd win. The next scheduled shoot dates are Monday the 10th, and Tuesday the 11th. Where hopefully everything will be shot, and I will be able to get going on editing the film that will make my career.

There's no one I'm after in my life right now, and I feel fine about it actually. I'm having fun with the fun I'm having without attachment and without commitment. The life of a swinger is truly the life for me. I'm waiting for summer to finally see someone I've been meaning to since last semester. I can't wait. If all goes well then it will prove that I am truly being rewarded for all I have overcome.

There's a good friend of mine who's away on a trip, I hope he is having a good time, as well as reflecting on all his troubles. I hope he knows he's got a lot of people who care about him and only want the best for him.

Dear Psychic Misanthrope, Will film society ever let you be shot? P.S. This stinks. Calvin.

Brick was good. You should see it if you like movies that are good.

This weekend is Wrestlemania XXII and it's odd and exciting that it does not look like I'll be watching it with my regular crowd. Just another surprise of many that this makes this year one of the best I've had in my life.

It's my dad's birthday dinner tonight. I love my parents so celebrating with them is an honor. They have really bent over backwards for me and helped me more than any son could ask for. I love them dearly.

Finally, Life is good, and always evolving, always challenging, but each challenge makes me stronger. I know I'm only a few months away from this film thing blowing up, and taking me and as many friends as I can carry with me. Maybe after this semester I'll be the most note-worthy junior in LMU SFTV. ~~Maybe~~. Definitely.

You're all slaves to the DJ and Out of Control!

My opinion

2006-03-28T07:36:45Z

So I was just watching this immigration thing unfold with the protests and what not. It was refreshing to finally see real democracy at work, with people crowding the streets and speaking for what they believe in. They were making a stand against the criminals in the white house who don't give a shit about them, and by criminals I mean the suckocrats, and the repulsive-cans. So I'm watching this, and I hope that this becomes a wake up call to all americans that the time is now to make a stand against this corrupt and draconian government that does not care about it's citizens. But it won't happen because the elephant in the living room that nobody mentions is that corporations and the government that they have bought are guiltier than anyone else in this country of stealing jobs away from americans what with outsourcing to other countries including mexico. It seems that everyone is so blind that unless it is right before their eyes like illegal immigration that there are hardworking, unselfish people are coming here to find work. By the way, what american wants to sells oranges on the street out of a bag, or clean toilets, or pick produce? Who is honestly mad that they aren't getting those jobs? No one right? Okay. Who's mad that the corporations have outsourced an estimate total of 300,000 - 400,000 jobs per field! I have not yet crunched all the numbers on all the fields but there is no doubt that the number is greater than the jobs displaced by these illegals who are not stealing those jobs anyways to begin with. But no one seems to notice and no one seems to care, because they are too rapped up in the bullshit and the name calling, and it continues with this immigration debate. That's what the corporations and their conservative buddies count on: is that we're too busy fighting with each other while they steal away into the night. So I hope this boycott and protest wakes up americans and makes them realize that the politicians will crumble under this protest. I predict that the politicians will give them everything cause the latino vote will sway the next election, and that is what they live and die for at the end of the day, especially the conservatives.

I suppose reader, you want my opinion on this matter and my opinion is this. OPEN BORDERS! Why? Because there is nothing dumber to me then in this world of going on 8 billion people that Nationalism still exists. Nationalism is just another reason that the next world war is going to be terrifying and deadly because if we don't start learning to accept each other then we are going to kill each other till there are very few of us left. I think everyone should be allowed to be an American citizen if they want to be, even if they don't want to live here. Especially if they want to do the jobs that Americans are A) too dumb B) too lazy or C) unwilling to do. If you're an american and you're really afraid about the illegals taking your jobs then you must be in one of these categories: a) racist b) senseless c) uneducated and probably had your managerial position at del taco or starbucks or a gas station that was taken from you by someone who's bilingual. d) You're an unskilled labor who is lazy and unwilling to take the jobs that you can get so you whine and cry about having your job "taken" when really you don't want them, or e) you're a rich fuck who's whining because the taxes you must pay to pay for community essentials like public schools, and such are preventing you from buying a new car/ house/ boat. Either way I hope you die, and go to what ever hell that your god has planned for selfish, vain bastards like you.

In closing, The people in the streets of los angeles and several other american cities today are proving a long forgotten fact in many americans minds that if you really believe in something enough and you're really ready to make a stand for it then you'll get it. So to my liberal colleague, who is so against illegals being allowed to come into this country freely, (Those illegals who only come to sell fruit, serve food, bus plates, pick produce, and cut gardens to make a little bit of money for their impoverished families and to give their children a better chance at a better life.) he needs to realize that his distain of these peoples rights to work and live and survive is against the very fabric that this country is built upon: "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" and "give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free."

Anyways, that is my two cents. P.S. update on my film coming up.

This sums up my weekend. How was yours?

2006-03-20T08:46:16Z

I sit, in my desolate room, no lights, no music,
Just anger, I've killed everyone,
I'm away forever, but I'm feeling better,
How do I feel, What do I say,
Fuck you, it all goes away,
How do I feel, What do I say,
Fuck you, it all goes away,
How do I feel, What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
How do I feel, What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
How do I feel, What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
How do I feel, What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
How do I feel, What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
How do I feel, What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
In the end it all goes away,
In the end it all goes away,
In the end it all goes away,
In the end it all goes away.

And to think all was well till saturday morning complicated things. I'm getting my script done now. I'm making sure my movie is the best it can be. I am going to succeed, and screw everything and everyone. No force of nature or act of God will stop me from reaching my destiny.

Poker and other musings.

2006-03-03T13:57:25Z

Hello my adoring Livejournal public.

I am a little typsy right now, and a little very upset with myself. Tonight I lost again at poker, even though I technically came in third. But it stings cause I could have came out with more than I got but I decided to risk it to take a little more, and it was stupid because Kevin (the champion of the night) was unbeatable. After he decided he didn't want to play anymore, he went on to become the chip leader eliminating Joe, Rob, and then eliminating me, and left with most of the money. Kevin played really well and had the luck of the draw on his side so I'm not at all upset with him. It was his night. I am upset with myself because I am simply too stubborn to give up and realize it's time to take what I got and go. It may have been the alcohol but I know deep down inside that It was mostly my ego. This came to me as I was sitting around after the party had dispersed. I think it's time to take a break from that or at the very least take a break from doing it typsy. Cause maybe then I won't make the same mistakes. 30$ under and I'm ready to say it's time to play smarter and not let the ego and the sparks make me do something I'm really regretting now. Next time, if there is one, will be different.

I'm looking forward to the film coming up in a few hours. It looks like a good crew assembled. Certainly it will be different from the regulars I have become accustomed to (and the sparks on sunday of the shoot) but should be fun. Dave seems to have it together. It seems like it all should go very smoothly. Hopefully early wrap days ahead.

As far as my movie, it is coming together inch by damn inch. Auditions are on friday of next week. I am ready but terrified of the auditions and of the whole preproduction process. However, I will survive and thrive because that is who I am. I can not fail so I will not fail. There is no chance of surrender in me because to me, this 360 is my defining moment. This is the time where I prove that this business is for me. I have seen great student films and I have seen mediocre student films and come May 5th I will know that I have the vision and ability that I believe I have been taught and given by God almighty or that I don't. Truly this 360 will be a "Journey" because at the end I will find my destiny. It is either in film or it is not in film. Either way, I will be proud of what I have accomplished, and I will be grateful for everyone who helped out and made a dream of a 5 year old boy who grew up in culver city california possible regardless of the result. In my mind, there's a million doubts but one shining fact always shines through as true as that I will find a way through myself and through God who I believe truly, even though I doubt religion itself, I believe truly that God has always given me the strength that I need to overcome all that is set before me. The road ahead is not easy but it never is. The road ahead is not fair but it never is meant to be. But it is winnable. Amen Michael Levine. Amen. P.S. need help with casting calls. Dana I am looking at you. :D. Time for me to go shower and stuff cause 7am is film shoot time.

This is an example of a film student who's working every weekend on film shoots, and trying to put his own together by gritting his teeth and falling a hundred times only to get back up and survive through it practically on his own were it not for the love of his crew, parents, friends and God. Thank you all in advance.

Calvin Timothy Gibbon grows up this year, and who would have guessed it?

Shout out to a few of my junior and sophmore buds:

CJ and Jason - Great work on your 360's. You inspire me.

Franz - All I can say is destined for greatness.

Joe - I just hope I'm able to DP one of your big projects someday.

Sarah - I hope to God in all this I can make your film as great as it can be and should be.

To all my senior and grad friends:

Thank you for helping me by learning from the best. I cannot cannot thank you enough.

Finally, thank you for that special person who I can't wait to see.

ctgspeaks @ 2006-02-26T14:13:00

2006-02-26T22:17:07Z

Many pundits need to stop iming me about what my posts are supposed to mean. If you don't know what it means then maybe you aren't supposed to.

Bisexuality for all.

2006-02-26T13:27:37Z

Being bisexual is the way to be!

P.s. my ankle hurts like hell.

Posthaste

2006-02-20T23:42:20Z

My life is craazzzzy right now. I got projects, including mine and film society's, every weekend Untill the middle of April.

Project Notice: Journey (Part 1*) is being filmed on the Weekend of March 10,11,12 and the Weekend of March 25th, 26th. I decided to split the weekends because I need extras for two of my scenes, and filming during spring break will halt the amount of extras I have. So for those of you who I want to be extras I will be bugging you to help out that weekend and you will come or I will hunt you down, just kidding.

The film is in Def Con 1 but moving into Def Con 2 as soon as wednesday but probably sooner since I have so much to get done. Warning to those of you helping me with production design we'll be going to a prop house this week sometime that will be discussed most likely on Monday. Location scouting commences real soon as well. I'm looking for a church, and a car shop that is not in Culver City lol. And finally, Dana we will be meeting this week at some time on friday or at the very least on Cassie's shoot. Alright that's all on JOURNEY.

Let's talk about the epic short film of Derek Westerman. As always I learn a lot on Derek's set because I get to work with Derek's DP Collin. It gave me a lot of ideas for how to light a scene for a mood which is very cool to learn since I'm an aspiring cinematographer myself. The shoot was fun but the location was bizarre. How bizarre you ask? It was in Upland, California... I rest my case. The only people beside me, Jim and the cast + crew of the 460 film who know where Upland is besides us are the people who live there. It was 20,000 people total and 12 last names. They hadn't even heard of mcdonalds up there! It was wild but fun damn fun.

School is going well. I'm really busy but I will be busy till April it seems much to the shagrin of those who wanna see me. I'll see you soon my online buddies just not till April it would seem. I met this cool knew person and he/she know's who he/she is. I hope we get to chill this week and soon lol. It'll be fun. This week is going to be loaded with fun and surprises I am sure of it. Good post. Good bye. Time to finish my rewrite.

My Script!

2006-02-14T07:05:23Z

MY SCRIPT IS DONE!

Nothing new but the money, yeah.
I do what I want to.
Act how I want to.
Say what I want to.
Mack who I want to.

When it comes to cars, I do it big.
When it comes to money, I do it big.
When it comes to making moves, I do it big.
Whenever I do something, I do it big.

Being this good, its got to be a gift and a curse.
Because I'm feeling my best and y'all feeling the worse.
Simply means, somebody's gonna get hurt.
No pain felt here unless y'all feeling it first.
Don't play with me, I mean, you should know.
I'm getting dress up 'cause I'm might be going to a funeral.
No stopping me, that's unlikely.
Why? when I can just do it like Nike.
Man, yeah, they want to be like me.
'Cause the girls want to creep with me nightly.
Ladies, yeah I'm single, but I'm far from the wedding thing.
But I have married women switching up their wedding ring.
And I'll take on anybody for the right price.
If you want to know really what's my life like.

(manicure) Check
(masseuse) Check
(chef) Check and I demand my respect.

I do what I want to.
Act how I want to.
Say what I want to.
Mack who I want to.

When it comes to cars, I do it big.
When it comes to money, I do it big.
When it comes to making moves, I do it big.
Whenever I do something, I do it big.

I'm getting richer, yeah y'all get the picture.
From country boy to city slicker.
I represent ever since.
I'm not cocky, I'm just confident.
I put it down. like 40 lbs of bricks.
You ain't ever seen nobody put it down like this.
Like (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. woo)
I'm back but I never left y'all.
Maybe for a second, yep I stepped off.
But let me pick up where I left off.
If you don't want any problems, you better step off.
See, I'm cool, but I can get crazy too.
And come from every angle like a photo shoot.

When it comes to cars, I do them big.
When it comes to money, I do it big.
When it comes to making moves, I do it big.
Whenever I do something, I do it big.

I hate sunday nights

2006-02-13T08:09:06Z

I hate sunday nights cause I have to face the week and all the shit I need to get done.

My script will be done or I won't sleep tonight.

I hate my life and love it to death at the same time.

I really want a steady relationship to balance my unsteady life but all the possibilities for that look bleak because of circumstances out of my and her/his control. It sucks being so busy that you have no time for finding love. I'd be lucky to get a quickie in at this point.

I want it to be May so I can be done with the most important film of my life.

I wish I could deal with the constant mental strain on dealing with inconsiderate backstabbing people in the school of film and tv just well enough so that it doesn't irritate me and make my hair turn gray.

I really fucking wish my script was done already.

I AM GOING TO DIE

2006-02-08T08:12:58Z

THAT IS ALL.

Interesting facts about Me.

2006-02-01T19:55:11Z

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Calvin!

If you drop calvin from the top of the Empire State Building, he will be falling fast enough to kill before reaching the ground.
Calvin is the sacred animal of Thailand.
Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are calvin!
Calvin once came third in a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest.
The patron saint of calvin is Saint Eugenie.
Olympic badminton rules say that calvin must have exactly fourteen feathers.
Britain's Millennium Dome is more than double the size of calvin.
Red calvin at night, shepherd's delight. Red calvin at morning, shepherd's warning!
Calvin cannot be detected by infrared cameras.
Calvin can't sweat.

I have some imperfections

2006-01-29T10:15:41Z

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

This is the song "Right here" by Staind. I've been listening to it a lot it speaks to me which is the job of any song is to speak to you. This one's got a lot of resonance with me cause it fits my life in general. I'm filled with a lot of longings this year. I wish I could know that my career decision is the right decision, and it doesn't matter how good I think I am or how good people tell me I am, I can't decide if film is really me. I guess it's because I have this impression that if it's something you're meant to do you'd have some sign or signal, and it just hasn't come yet. I'm worried that I may be getting pulled deeper into a career I don't belong in. I certainly don't fit in with my class, but that's always been the case because I'm always the outcast and I thrive on that, but it gets rough, I have to admit that not really having anyone in my class that I can really call on to compare notes and just chat about the struggle because college is a struggle every single day and anyone who says differently is lying.

My life has just been moving so fast I feel like I've been shot out of a catapult since this semester started. If it weren't for the many things and people that keep me sane I'd probably be losing it by now. I love all the work I've been getting and all the fun projects I've been about to head but it's getting closer and closer to crunch time and I need/want to have a lot of things done, planned, and ready this week so I can finally start relaxing so I'm preemptively calling crunch time now.

Another part of my life that's suffered is my friendships. I feel like since school starts I've disappeared off the face of the earth. I really haven't guys. I'm right here, and if you give me a call I'd love to chat with you and arrange a lunch or what not so please just call me or message me or whatever and we'll make it happen. As the year goes, I see the need for all these close friends I have and I love you all dearly that's why over the weeks I'm going to start making plans so that we can see each other individually at least once a year to meet and talk and laugh. Cause the one given no matter what I end up doing with my life is that I can't lose track of family and friends because I love you guys and there's nothing on this earth that I value more than you.

There's a lot of things I wish I wasn't right now:
Indecisive
Unable to commit
Unhappy

Those are the big ones that keep troubling me. Unhappiness is the constant and I keep trying to fill it with meaningless shit. I wish I could find that one key to my happiness and it's not film. In fact the only thing that works is friends and family. So once again you all keep me sane and I thank you. Unhappiness is like a cold I can't shake it just covers my very soul. The only constant in my life is searching for happiness and I guess I'm not at the end of that journey yet.

P.S. the documentary shoot went really well. I have a knack for something else according to Joe, so I guess that's neat.

Night all. Royal Rumble later today. Go Edge!

The verge of Greatness, and other more unpleasant happenings tonight.

2006-01-22T06:14:25Z

Today was an excellent day at the start with THE VERGE OF GREATNESS being shot today from 6:45 am till 6:30pm. The band of friends succeeded once again and had a lot of fun together sometimes at Dana's expense, sorry Dana. But overall I enjoy every moment I work with/hang out with these great people. And I can't wait for my 360 when I assemble the greatest film team in the history of LMU and rock the film school to it's very foundation. (Hey confidence helps.)

Now I used to think that I enjoyed every moment with my beloved film society but apparently a few of the members dislike me, and it came out in a real rotten off color comment now normally I ignore or laugh at rotten off color comments because I make a lot of them but not when it's directed towards me in a harsh manner. Now I'm not giving any clues on here because it's a public forum but they already know who they are. If you'd like to know who the culprit was, you can just ask me and I'll tell you but only if I trust you. In any case, he/she can dislike me if he/she wants, because he/she will be forced to deal with me, because I am the co-president, so his/her dislike is irrelevant however it does put fuel on the ever growing fire that burns within me to make our society more professional, and therefore it will happen this Wednesday night. Prepare for a new and improved leader this Wednesday night.

In happier news, my 360 is coming together nicely I should be ready to start getting things in order like the piles of paper work done this week. Still waiting for a call back that was promised to me by this one intership so keep your fingers crossed on that.

P.S. the party was overall fun but I now have to cleanse myself of sand, and I think I will do that now. So until next time ladies and jellyspoons, adios and good bye.

i will lay waste to my body with antibiotics till all the evil perishes

2006-01-11T21:12:33Z

So of course on the most important semester possibly of my life, I get sick with a cold. And I am doing a juggling act between organizing my 360, organizing my internship and finishing this scene for my actor. Thursday is his appointed deadline for me and I will meet it because I'm the best and that's what I do. The planning of the 360 has to begin this week so I'm going to be calling my Assistant Director soon so that she can provide me with balls of wisdom and perhaps take some of the duties off of me.

Off to a ROARing start.

2006-01-11T12:34:53Z

Log 1: Feeling real sick but I'm doing the honorable thing and editing my scene for my actor. Pray for me. I'll need it. All I know is that I'll be taking a big fat nap when my theology class is over at 2pm.

Log 2: I cracked. I'm too sick, and too tired to finish. The scene is half done but it looks really good in my oh so humble opinion. Tomorrow I'll plead my case to the actor and hope that he be merciful and kill me quick while I am already in my weakened state.

P.S. I have a bet with myself that after taking tylenol pm and two nyquil that my alarm will not be able to wake me at all tomorrow. Let's see if I'm right!

P.P.S. I will be so busy this semester that I will pray for death but be unable to find it.

Truthiness

2006-01-10T08:09:26Z

ICE CREAM SANDWICHES!!!

And that's the word.

I Guess I am.

2006-01-09T08:03:50Z

Am back.

And somehow saw Grandma's Boy with friends. dunno how that happened. Wanted to see friends again and it seemed like a rather spur of the moment plan...i mean, the movie looked...bad.

And upon watching it you learn it has no realy plot or point at ALL. I mean, 0. It's like watching a bunch glued together by bad taste jokes and the same few characters.

And god damn it was one of the funniest movies ever.

Out of context lines we will be repeating for the next few weeks...

"ICE CREAM SANDWICHES!"

"FRANKENSTEIN!"

"DRIVE MONKEY, DRIVE!"

"KARATE CHOP THE ELEPHANT MONKEY!!"

"I sucked on my first boob...FOR 13 HOURS!!"

Tears man. Tears of laughter.

Btw. EDGE IS THE NEW WORLD CHAMPION. This semester is starting on a good note. My script will be done by tomorrow I hope. God damn it I hate writing I'm so easily thrown off when I feel the slightest bit like it's coming out wrong, and then I stop and have to go back it's upsetting.